Unicorn Pirates and Breeding Velociraptors

(I'm helping Journey take notes for a project she's doing on sea turtles.)
Me: Make a section named 'Diet' and write what they eat. Like algae and pork chops.
Journey: They don't eat pork chops, mommy.
Me: You do the same thing with habitat, age, and so on. So for like 'Predators' you'd want to write like sharks and unicorns.
Journey: Unicorns?!
Me: Unicorns are the biggest known threat to the sea turtle population.
Journey: No they're not!
Me: Okay, fine. Pirates, then.
Journey: Mommy!
Me: Unicorn pirates?
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David: When I grow up I want to ride a dragon to my place of employment and my dragon will ride a rainbow to his place of employment.
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David: Mom, I've made up two new characters. Roger and his pet, Bob the Psychedelic Chicken. Roger has many professions.
Journey: Like what?
David: Nuclear physicist, secret agent and velociraptor breeder just to name a few.
Me: Velociraptor breeder?
David: Don't ask.
Me: Oh no, I think he should wear the bee keeper hat with the netting.
Journey: But that wouldn't do any good to protect him.
David: That's the point, Journey. It's random. He only gets attacked once every few months.
Me: Only during velociraptor mating season?
David: Pretty much.
Me: There should be a scene where he's looking at a big meal calendar. He should say "All right boys, lets see what you guys are having for dinner tonight." The calendar should have the real meal scratched out and written in red crayon it should say 'Roger' and the Velociraptors should be seen through the windows laughing.
David: Then Roger would send out Bob, the Psychedelic Chicken! Bob would open the door and the next thing you'd see would be the raptors hiding in the trees.
Me: The raptors would hide from the chicken? Are we talking evolution, here?
David: Yes, yes we are. And Bob can breathe fire. That's evolution, too.
Me: Oh, Bob the Psychedelic Fire Breathing Chicken, gotcha.
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David: Mom, do you know what I really need? Glasses without lenses. That way I can look dignified and intelligent when I'm reading and stuff.
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Journey (to a random bug that is getting too close to her outside): I don't like you. And you know what? I bet your own mother doesn't even like you either.
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David: I'm trying to shoot lasers out of my eyes, but it's just so hard.

Puberty is Scary

Me: Well, David, today you turn thirteen years old. Do you know what has already happened today?
David: What?
Me: An 8.9 earthquake has hit Japan causing a tsunami that threatened from the Philippines to Canada, including Hawaii. And a volcano erupted in Indonesia.*
David: Wow!
Journey: I saw a video someone took during the earthquake, it was scary!
Me: Yep, so I just want you to know, that for your birthday you got control over the elements.
David: Is that it?
Me: No, I got you other presents as well.
David: Presents-presents-presents!
Me: But you'll get them later. You have to earn them.**
David: I have to work for them?
Me: Mmhmm. (I walk out of the room)
David: (to Journey) I knew it! She didn't get me anything!
Me: (calling to him from the next room) I told you, I gave you the power to control the elements!
David: I don't want power over the elements! I want a new Pokémon game!***

*The recent events that I referenced are very serious and I understand that I may come off as insensitive to the people and their families who were affected, but I did not mean any disrespect in any way.
**I hid his presents around the house with clues attached to them to help him find the next one, Scavenger Hunt style.
*** He, in fact, got TWO new Pokémon games.

Mr. Winky

Journey and I are in the living room listening to David make his normal fighting noises in the bathroom. Once David finally comes out ...
Journey: Hey, David, who were you fighting in there?
David: A doppelganger!
Me: He was fighting Mr. Winky.
Journey: Who's Mr. Winky?
David: I kicked his furry little butt!
Me: Did you now?
David: Yes I did.
Journey: I heard Mr. Winky is funny looking!

(I have no words for how badly I wanted to laugh during this exchange.)
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Journey and I go to pick up Mark at the Tampa International Airport. Journey is looking over the top of the parking garage wall and sees the hotel next to us. From the angle we're at we're at we can only see parts of the swimming pool giving the illusion of it being heart-shaped.
Journey: Yay a pool! I want to go there! Oh wait, I can't go to that hotel.
Me: Why not?
Journey: Because it has a heart-shaped pool. I'm a little girl and I'm not supposed to go to places that have heart-shaped pools.
Me: Don't ever change.

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Our waitress asked the table next to us at Applebee's if they'd like another pitcher (of beer). Journey turns to me and says "Mommy, can we get a picture, too?"

New Year, New Antics

Happy New Year!

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Journey found my old collection of X-Men cartoons and was watching them non-stop. She sits next to me one night, sighs and says: "I wish I were a mutant."
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David: "Journey's had a couple of temper tantrums today because she thinks I'm better than her at, well, everything. I'm a bit flattered and a bit worried. Well, mostly flattered."
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David: Mom, Journey won't let me play with her GIR doll.
Me: Doll, huh? I didn't know you played with dolls.
David: Her GIR ... plushie!
Me: Uh-huh.
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Me: *watching David throw home made confetti* Where does that go?
David: In to the incinerator?
Me: We don't have one.
David: Yes we do. It' called the microwave.
Me: No.
David: The flame thrower?
Me: No.
David: Where did I get the flame thrower again? Oh yeah, I stole it from a hobo.
Me: Why would you steal something from a homeless person?
David: Because it's just too easy.
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Journey (to David): It doesn't matter how big you get -- and you're going to get big -- and it doesn't matter how old you get -- and you're going to get old -- I'm still always going to be able to do ... THIS! *begins the universal 'head squishing' motion with her index finger and thumb at her brother's head from across the kitchen table*
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David (upon seeing that I made eight biscuits to go with beef stew): I love you!
Journey: There's two for each of us, but there will be two left over.
David: I call dibs on four!
Journey: You can't do that!
Me: Only two, David.
David: Don't make me insult your cooking, but the biscuits are the best part!
Me: Journey already insulted the beef stew when she said 'eww' at all of the vegetables.
David (sitting down at the table in front of his bowl of stew): Journey, that wasn't very nice - Ah! The stew just moved!
Me: Not nice, David.
David: No, I'm serious! Is that an eyeball?
Me: Eat your eyeballs, David.

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Journey: Mommy, Mark spoils you too much.
Me: Why do you say that?
Journey: He bought you that ring and it's white gold and he's building you a two-story house!
Me: *laughs*I deserve to be a little spoiled.
Journey: Medium spoiled.
Me: Fine, I deserve to be medium spoiled.
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Journey's handiwork

Gems of 2010

David: (watching me delete my IE caches for work) Delete cookies? Why in the world would you want to delete cookies, woman?! Are you mad?!
Me: ... they're temporary internet files, David.
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Journey: (upon discovering that I was baking a loaf of Italian bread to go with dinner on 12/30) Awh!
Me: Why 'awh'?
Journey: I wanted garlic cheese biscuits.
Me: Don't worry, we'll have them again next year.
Journey: Next year?!
Me: Mmh-hmm.
Journey: Oh wait, that's in two days.
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Me: (serving pancakes that I had attempted to make into interesting shapes) I tried to make everyones' initials and even some neat little shapes.
Journey: I've got a skull!
Me: ... that's supposed to be a heart, Bebee.
Journey: ... oh.
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Me: Have you been eating the lasagna in the fridge recently?
David: Yeah, why?
Me: It was old. I'm throwing it out.
David: It tasted fine to me!
Me: Great, now you're going to develop super powers. These things always start with radiation or toxic chemicals.
David: Yes!
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Journey: Mommy, why is that I can see my breath during the winter?
Me: That just means that you're maturing and your breath weapon is starting to develop.
Journey: Really?
Me: No, Bebee.
Journey: You're mean.
Me: Most likely.
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Me (As I'm leaving to pay rent, in my best Terminator voice): I'll be back.
David: And why you're gone maybe you should see someone about that terrible Russian accent.
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Me to Journey: Did you have fun playing with all of your new Littlest Pet Shops?
David (in his best girl voice): Yes, I did.
Me: So you play with pet shops now, huh?
David: NO!
Me: But you have the ferret ones....
David: Those aren't TOYS, those are COLLECTIBLES!
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David: How does this sewing machine work, anyway?
Me: Well, when it's plugged in you push on the pedal and guide the fabric. The machine feeds it through.
David: ... could I learn how to drive using this? All you're doing is pushing the pedal and steering, right?
Me: Well, I guess. I -
David: Hey Journey! I'm going to get my driver's license with Mom's sewing machine!
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*upon finding all of the Thanksgiving leftovers had already been gotten into*
David: Oh yeah, I did that last night. I sampled everything to make sure it was safe for the family.
Me: Checking for poisons?
David: It was for the safety of our family, mom.
Me: That was a noble deed, son
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Me: Are you two watching Magic School Bus?
David: Yes, yes we are. Magic School Bus is MANLY.
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David: Do you know what, mom? It must really suck to be an Italian vampire since they can't eat Italian food because it's seasoned with garlic.
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Me: David, walk with me to the laundry mat.
David: Awh, why?
Me: It's dark out.
David: You hit hard mom, you can take care of yourself.
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David: Mom, I want a rubber chicken. I will name it Fluffy.

Yuck

Lets go back a few years. About six I believe. We had just adopted our first pet ferret, Serg. He was still a baby and had not yet developed all of his adult teeth yet. They don't make canned ferret food, so you have to take the dry food and soak it in water until it is nice and mushy. I normally prepared it a plastic cup before dumping it into the food dish. It was a Saturday morning, the kids are awake and eating breakfast in the kitchen and I've just finished preparing the ferret food. I grab my cup of juice just to get a nice mouth full of ... well, yuck. I had grabbed the wrong cup. I immediatley start to gag.

Me: Oh gross! I just drank the ferret food by mistake!
6 year old David: This is the greatest day of my life! I've never seen my mom throw up before!

Have you ever tried to not throw up and laugh at the same time? Yeah, I hope you had better luck with that than I did.

Why?

After realizing that the majority of my facebook status updates are quotes of the outrageous things my kids say or do, it got me thinking. Either I really need to find some more interesting hobbies or I have some pretty awesome kids. I'm going with the latter.

This blog will be a compilation of all of the wacky, cute and over the top things that my children do and say; forever immortalized in a blog for all of the world to see.

(At the time of beginning this, my son David is almost thirteen years old and my daughter Journey is ten years old.)